Confessions Of A Fallen Chups

this will be my last entry here…to follow more of my crazy musings hit

http://mewithoutwax.blogspot.com

till then…peace.

mood: i’m soaking wet…make a wild guess                                                          music: running – no doubt / siapa di hati – rahmat [mak kau…jiwang!]

work is piling up…and i am yet to sit down and focus on the things that i need to do. one imc assignment is down *phew* and just a couple more to go…hang in there, girl! i know we’ll make it.

things on the home front aren’t going fantastic either. i mean…am i really responsible for every single blinking thing, every single blinking detail, every single blinking arrangement? c’mon lah…cut me some slack. you jolly well know i have tones on my shoulders and if you continue to keep it coming, i’m going to break, ok. that is not a warning. it is a fact.

but it’s ok. it will be done. i will get it done. all by myself if i have to…

what is it about problems that totally debelitates you? you try so hard…and you keep trying but it never really gets done. what win-win situation…hello? doesn’t exist! well…i have learnt, peeps. i have learnt that you cannot have expectations, for the moment you do, someone will let you down. i have learnt that you cannot get your hopes up, for the higher you go, the harder you fall. i have learnt that you cannot ask too much of people, for they didn’t have anything much to begin with…

mood: feelin’ lucky?
music: running- no doubt

hahahahah…they announced it yesterday afternoon. one at sentosa and one at marina bay… *sigh*…it has begun, people it has. i have no problems with gambling. i sure as hell think it’s wrong, it’s against the religion, but heck it’s your money and your life…i’m not going judgmental on you now!

it will interesting to see what the powers that be plan to do about all the social repercussions it may bring…sure they have addressed the workforce angle (jojoz’s gonna be a busy busy girl) and the economic BS they say it will bring about but addressing the social ills?…hmn…

m.i.c muslim affairs said “muslims who felt comfortable about it could choose to work in the integrated resort, though not in the casino directly. he pointed out that some muslims already work as service staff in hotels where alcohol is served. islam forbids the consumption of alcohol and gambling.(ST, 18/04/2005)

this is a real mature way of putting it, m.i.c. it’s so in-you-face. i like him…not one to mince words on the sorry state of the local muslim community…wake up, people! we’re going nowhere like this!

now my fingers are itchy… surely there is something that can be done in this line! surely somewhere something needs to be done! i just need to get my groove back. something took it away and now i’m feeling quite lost without…feel so out of place, i’m losing my magic touch.

dear God, i’m trying very hard to be a good girl these days. i know i have done a couple of rotten things that i am ashamed of and i have hurt people. and nothing i say or do can ever make it right. all i can do is beg You for Your Forgiveness. dear God, please grant me Your Peace, Your Blessings and Your Calm, for i am completely lost.

mood: YOU
MEAN YOU CAN’T GUESS????????????
music: turn
back time – aqua / percayalah – siti nurhaliza

had a chat
with lee the other day…bizarre! it is not humanely possible that this is
happening to someone else…too! no way…no blinking way…i refuse to believe this….

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
why would you wanna put your heart on the line for her? she’s not good enough
for you…never was, never is, she never will be! she is so not worth it!

listen…you’d
better forget about her. she will leave you, i guarantee it! and the longer you
think about her, hunger for her, wish she was yours…the harder it is gonna be
when she says goodbye…and this time, she will. she must…eventually…why the hell
do you love her so much for…how many times must i tell you that she is not
worth it before it becomes a fact, huh? for fish’s sake…it’s right in front of
you!!! are you blind!?

look at
what she’s doing…it’s despicable!disgusting beyond words…there are many layers of cheating, i should
know…and this is definetly cheating…i don’t care! i don’t wanna know how
pretty, smart and amazing she is, i don’t wanna know how happy she makes you
feel, or how complete you are when she’s with you, i don’t give two hoots about
how she brings you up to that special high you get only when you’re
together…damnit i don’t care.

how does
she sleep at night? how does she face herself in the morning?

leave
her…leave her now! i said…leave her now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mood: *sleepy….very!*

music: beautiful soul – jesse mcartney / alasanmu – exist

well…it’s friday…the weekend’s here. what do i have up my sleeve? been wanting to watch the latest horror thriller creep…dunno if i will eventually chicken out, but…haha you’ll never know…just be sure that i always end up regretting my moments-of-genius. v.smart….scare myself silly then will be v.mad with myself. so scared for what?!!?

got my pokka jasmine green tea sachets. trust me pple…drink this. it’s really good and keeps you awake. of coz u must take it without sugar, drink it straight up. and this is a recommendation from someone who never drinks hot drinks…awak was telling me, i shld take more hot stuff, instead of downing cold drinks all the time…come to think of it, he’s right. everytime dine out, i’ll order the peng or ice-cold pokka green tea. hahahaha…standard!…ok lah…so i take it once a day…happy? and i’ll keep the teabags also…could use less panda eyes. john passed me that day and he said, “are you alright? you look really tired. check out the dark circles under your eyes!”

omg….ok need quick fix. ladies, estee lauder was right. “there are no ugly women – only women who don’t care or who don’t believe they’re attractive”

oh crap…i sound so blinking auntie…see what work does to you…?

mood: light

music: she will be loved - maroon five (on replay mode on my mp3 player for the past 36 hrs…and counting)

it’s crazy…the world in crazy…and insane and outta control….i don’t know what do to with it…

i consider myself the ball-sy kindda girl? you throw me a ball, if i want i catch it…then boy will i run with it…but if not, i’ll throw it back to you or not catch it at all….so how come i’m still here?!?! i run with it with all my might and i end up at the same place….great that’s perfect. just what i need!

people, please start talking better. please cultivate good communication habits NOW and you’ll see that you have less problems later on in life. have this habit of being honest with your feelings and communicate it to those who care about you…rest assured they will return the favour…and life will be good again, darnnit!

well…at least i have something to look forward to…i’m volunteering again! *yay*! even though this is like an uber small thingy, hey at least i’m out there…it’s been a loooooooong time since i have paid my dues to the community and it feels good again! the past year i’ve been MIA has been HORRIBLE! i hate not being able to help and do my part and make a difference….thanks for the opportunity, really appreciate it!

aww~~ oDAc peeps? no worries…i have not crossed over to the other side…my soul still belongs with you (no matter how crappy you are; i still keep coming back). we may be dormant now…but trust me…when i’m done, i will be back. i will so be back and i will revive the spirit. and i don’t take prisoners. you getting married or engaged or getting pregnant..hahahahaha….I WILL BE BACK!

mood: lost
music: semua tentang kita - peterpan / she will be loved - maroon 5

i knew one day it will come to this. i will lose it. an essential piece of my being is now …missing. funny thing is, i never knew it was missing until i found it…then i lost it again. i wonder how i went through twenty-two years of my life without it.

it was so important to me. it filled me up, supported every cell in my soul and fed every desire i ever wanted. it was also the solid point in my epicentre, the one i know (knew) will be there for me every step of the way…i want it back…i do, i really do. i’m addicted to it…i cannot function without it. i keep thinking about it, wondering where my life to go to without it…

but is it bad for me? will it do me good? will it help me thru life, or will it only distract me from serving my real purpose…how will i ever know the difference…

oh darnit…why am i always so sappy!!! SOS! PEOPLE CAN’T YOU SEE I NEED HELP?! i need help…take me out..somewhere…anywhere!!! take my mind off things…feed me, make me laugh, put me on a roller coster…or even the bumper car nonsense…ANYTHING! i’m desperate…

mood: oooh…i’m
feelin’ HOT! (must be the weather)
music:
Sajadah - Peterpan / Here With Me - Dido

been
flu-y…dunno why. my temperature is back, people! and it’s peaking at
37.9…must be the weather outside. freezing cold inside, blistering hot outside.
can make a person’s immune system go bonkers…so here i am, with a tissue
shoved up my left nostril, teeth aching…wondering why i am at work. (coz the
future of the nation’s workforce depends on me, darnit…)

anyway,
today i wanna share a flash of brilliance that i had. y’know how sometimes it
gets so crappy, and the first instinct is to just say whatever is at the top of
your tongue? yeah…that feeling…talk abt your mouth being disengaged from
your brain! yes yes i say too much i talk too loud…sorry lah…i honestly
cannot stop telling the people i care about what to do and how best to do
it…i swear…IT’S BECOZ I LOVE YOU that i bother to activate my brain cells
and help you thru whatever it is you’re going thru and be there for you. even when
you didn’t ask for me inputs…like hello…if i don’t give two hoots abt u…i
couldn’t care less about anything remotely about you…that includes how you
behave, what you project, where you stand…etc…geddit?

so if i’m
nosey…it means i care, aight? not coz i wanna satisfy the kaypoh in me, but
because i care about you, really…and if we’re on the same page, just tell me
to butt out…serious! you can tell me these things…i won’t mind!

sure…i’ll
just laugh at you a little when crap eventually hits the ceiling and i will try
my bestest best to not do the “i-blinking-told-you-so” dance in front of you…but
yeah…point is I WILL BUTT OUT…serious…relationship’s all about r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
and because i love you, i will give you that…

i wanna eat nuts abt chocolate ice cream.
somebody owes me a tub…

mood: shoe-ed out (bought meself a new pair for work lah…)

music: makin aku cinta - kris dayanti & anang / it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday - boyz II men

been reading back the past postings…god i sound like a raving lunatic! oh well…i’ve always suspected that i had the inclination to be insane…it’s in the genes.

ok so i think i am on the road to solving my feelings. maybe even sorting them out. or at least accepting that i can feel three different ways about the same stand and not knowing which way i want to swing. it’s been absolute nightmare to realize that i do not always know what i think/feel about something, and yet when i have to make a decision, it is those feelings that i base my judgement on…*scary*…no wonder my life is such a mess.

but somehow those feelings are true. they are real. you know sometimes it’s so easy for guys to say "good-god-chicks-are-so-emotional" blah blah blah…but well, yeah so IT IS TRUE. live with it, guys…it’s perfectly fine to be in touch with your feelings and share them with the people you care about, y’know. they won’t love you any less.

i won’t.